Catharsis

September 7, 2009 · Filed under bipolar, self-awareness

I’ve been struggling at work, mightily, personality conflicts with most of my coworkers, most of whom I feel quite superior to (manic much?). This last time that my manager has taken me aside to speak to me she’s told me that she knows that I like to talk to everyone, and that she’s sure that I don’t even realize that I’m doing it, but that I’m putting myself into everyone else’s conversations, and that many people don’t appreciate that, and that I should wait to be invited in and not just jump in and start talking. That there is at least one person who has requested that she keep me away from them. That she has gotten complaints about me and my lack of boundaries. That I get too personal. That I don’t know when to stop. That I do too much talking and not enough listening.

This all hit me like a hammer square between the eyes. She’s absolutely right, and even though I do not agree with her on practically anything else on the planet, I do agree with her on this.

I have finally seen the light. Been held underwater until my head was about to explode is more like it. Suffice to say that I am now painfully aware that I have a HUGE issue with personal boundaries and respecting them. Imagine my shock and surprise at realizing that not everyone thinks that everything I have to say is fascinating? That since I’m so smart, I must know what I’m talking about? That I am not welcome in every conversation? That some people actually don’t want me to talk to them? They don’t care about the information I have to share?

Wow.

I am stunned, absolutely stunned and embarrassed and I feel so horrible and that I’ve been shoving myself on everyone for my entire life and everyone actually HAS been talking about me behind my back; that it isn’t just that I’m paranoid. They really ARE saying mean things about me. It’s just that I’ve done something to deserve them and that in some cases, maybe even many cases, they may be true. I just haven’t done them on purpose.

As far as therapy goes, this is the killer. I have had years of therapy. Ages of therapy. None of which was worth a good goddamn, apparently. But I guess when you aren’t open to the lesson, no matter how effective the teacher is, it won’t get through. My line of work is retail sales; I am really good at bullshitting people, myself at the top of the list. And then going right back to my old tricks, with the lesson tossed by the wayside, never looked at, never heard. This isn’t by far the first time someone’s told me what my manager said. But perhaps it’s because my job is on the line, or that I’m angling for another job and they’re doing background checks and I’m in a right state, or that my marriage is shaky and G has been throwing his hands up into the air time and time again that I think he will really just finally be completely fed up and say, “That’s it. For good. I’m done.” But for whatever reason, it hit me this time and hit me good. I get it now. This is where, G says, the healing can begin. This is where I have the chance to turn my life around. I’m bipolar, and nothing on this earth can change that, but I here have the opportunity to change how I deal with it. I need to be so diligent, so deliberate, so careful not to slip backwards. This is where I have the chance to become trustworthy. Finally, a chance to grow up.

1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    bipolarlawyercook said,

    September 8, 2009 @ 11:41 am

    Honey.

    This is so hard and yet I’m happy for you. Not because I think that you’re as bad as you feel you “always” may be, because I’m sure that you’re not, but because yes, there are times when we crazies are in long term denial about stuff and that blow to the head is painful as hell and yet so-very-needed. I hope you have the second wind and feeling of hopeful determination (fueled even as it might be by some sense of desperation, even as my “shit, got to get off my ass and go back to some kind of work” attitude is right about now) to carry you forward and make some constructive progress.

    Holding you in the light.

    Reply

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